364 Days Later

Today is the 3^rd Sunday in August, 2009. It is exactly 364 days after the love of my life, Jesika, celebrated her 30^th and last birthday. I have been thinking about writing this article for some time now; really since I started this blog. As a matter of fact, this version of what you are reading is about the fourth attempt to pen this entry. I started out thinking I would just give a recounting of what we did that day, and talk about the happiness Jesika and I shared on that day. I just don’t know if I can conjure up enough positivity to write that kind of article. I know it would probably be a heartwarming read, and it would more than likely encourage those who read it that I am somehow making emotional progress after this loss in my life.

As I sit here in the kitchen of my mother’s house, all I feel is anger, and resentment, and loneliness. I don’t understand why this had to happen. Why did a woman who possessed so much in the way of strength, and intellect, and was such a genuinely kind and caring person had to be struck down by such a terrible illness? Before I sat down to type this, I was working on a freelance video project that involved the use of gospel music. One of the songs I used had the familiar theme of, “when you pray to the Lord, he will answer with blessings”. THAT’S what made me so angry. It’s not true, and I am tired of hearing people tell me that it is. When I found out that Jesika was sick, I prayed all the time. I didn’t ask anything for myself, all I asked was that God spare Jesika’s life. I told the Lord how much she meant to me and my family, and that she was one of the only reasons I was able to go on after my father passed away. I told him all of these things, and Jesika died 24 days after we took her to the doctor.

I have seen people pray to get jobs, to make more money, to win football games, and other seemingly trivial matters and then thank God when they received them. I asked for Jesika’s life, the life of a human being, to be saved, and she was given 24 more excruciatingly painful days on this Earth.

I realize that the content of this entry may change a lot of people’s opinion about me. I can’t control that and wouldn’t want to because everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have to be honest; I am struggling with my faith right now. I see so many people, who treat others with so much cruelty, prosper, while those who are the most fervent believers in a higher power are dealt the worst possible hands. Call it karma, or whatever else, it just doesn’t seem to hold true. Some of the most negative, hateful people in this world don’t seem to ever be held accountable for the energy they put into the world, while those follow the tenets of religion, or faith, or even just secular morality are heaped with more than I would consider their fair share of misfortune. In many respects, those who are the least empathetic to the feelings of other people are rewarded for their efforts under the guise of being shrewd or cunning.

So, there it is. It’s not Jesika’s birthday post. It’s an emotional purge. I don’t really have anything else to say, so I will stop now. Maybe, after some rest I will feel better. We’ll see.