Pulp Non-Fiction

August 17, 2008, about 9:30AM

Lazy Sundays are hard to come by for me because of the new job I got about 6 weeks ago, When they asked me if I was available to work on weekends, I didn't realize they meant I would work every weekend. Anyway, you live, you learn. However, I had requested this day off, not just to sit in bed and watch "The Practice" on Tivo, but to be a loyal servant to the Queen of Wakanda; my best friend turned girlfriend, Jesika. We have been dating for about a year and a half and have been living together since May. This is the first time I have lived with a woman who couldn't tell stories about how I used to throw up on everyone as a baby, and while I must say it has been an adjustment, it has been the most fun time I have ever had in my life. Anyway, she was already up, perusing her library of recorded programs on her Tivo. Finally she settled on watching "Nigella Bites" on the Food Network. Last but not least, laying under his "mommy", was the Feline Prince of Wakanda, and my newest "little homey", Snoopy the Wonder Cat. Moving in with Jesika meant that at the very least, I had to make an attempt to co-habitate with Snoopy. When I moved in, I was armed with a family pack of Zyrtec, and Band-Aids for when he channeled the spirit of a feral Wolverine. But as it turned out, Snoopy rarely triggered any sneezing and was as friendly as could be. When I work on my laptop at the table, he climbs up on my computer bag, lays down and watches me click away. If in my superhero fantasy world, I am He-Man, he is undoubtedly, my Battlecat.

Anyway, my servitude on this day was not because of any punishment or forced subordination. Today was August 17th, Jesika's birthday and I had promised, I took the day off, and Jesika's wish was my command. Now, I am not Diddy or Jay-Z, and Jesika knew this, so there were no private jets to Monte Carlo or Dubai. But as always when we go out, fun is definitely had, so once we got dressed, we got in my Santa Fe, and headed off to Portage, Indiana for a rendezvous with a knight and clown.

August 17, 2009, about 7:00AM

Restful nights of sleep are becoming harder and harder for me to come by, and today was certainly no exception. I had only been to Jesika's grave site one time since she passed away in April, and while trips to my father's grave site have become a calming, almost meditative experience, I wasn't expecting that same type of thing on my trip to the Mt. Vernon Cemetery, I felt nothing but sadness, and anxiety, and anger. Because of the sudden and painful way Jesika had to die. Because of the way Jesika's family treated me and the rest of my family. Because I didn't and still don't have any idea of what the rest of my life will hold for me. As I have said before, marrying and starting a family with Jesika was THE plan, and everything else was to fall in place around that. Now, I am just like a boat with no sail and no motor, just floating and moving at the whim of the current of life. Now, I had gotten word that a member of Jesika’s family, who as I understood, still continued to express hostility towards my family and I, was supposed to be visiting Jesika’s grave on the same day, and I thought it best not to go to the cemetery alone. So, I called, Jesika’s childhood friend, Becky. (For the record, I call her Jesika’s friend, not because she isn’t my friend, because she very much is, but I just want to provide context.) Anyway, before I knew it, 11:00 had struck and Becky was ringing the doorbell. After exchanging greetings and checking in on each other, we were off to Lemont for our rendezvous with our departed and beloved Jesika.

August 17, 2008, about 12:00PM

After racing down the Chicago Skyway, we made it just in time to the IMAX theatre in Portage to catch the matinee showing of “The Dark Knight”, the first phase of Jesika’s birthday celebration. I don’t think either of us had ever seen a movie on IMAX since seeing the space shuttle movie at the Musuem of Science and Industry, and it was well worth the drive. It was incredible. Jesika was always someone who stayed pretty laid back, but I think she really had fun. She even screaming and grabbed my arm with the Joker made the “pencil disappear”. We had a great time. When the movie was over, and we walked in the parking lot, I told Jesika that I would take her to any restaurant she wanted. Frontera Grill, Park 42, Morton’s, anything was fair game. Jesika’s choice; The Olive Garden. I asked her if she was sure, and she insisted that she was. So off to Calumet City we went.

August 17, 2009, about 12:30PM

The ride to the cemetery was about 45 minutes, and during our trek, Becky and I discussed the different travails we were facing in each of our lives. As I drove, I realized, 2009 has been just an awful year for a lot of people. A lot of death, a lot of pain, and a lot of unforeseen changes. If I were to have one prayer, it wouldn’t be for mercy or enlightenment. It would be just to just endure until January 1, and then to have the opportunity to try to start fresh in 2010. Eventually, we made it to the gates of the cemetery, and before we knew it, we were standing at Jesika’s grave. Her temporary grave marker, an 8x10 inch slab of marble simply stated her name, her dates of borth and death, and the phrase “BELOVED DAUGHTER”. In the weeks leading up to this moment, I had run through this scenario many times in my mind. What will I say? What is one of Jesika’s family is there and there is some kind of confrontation? Will I be able to hold it together? As it turned out, when we arrived to the cemetery, there didn’t appear to be ANYONE in the whole graveyard. And as I stood before Jesika’s final resting place, I couldn’t think of anything to say. It was like I was there in suspended animation, my eyes fixed on the grave marker. All I heard was the sound of the various insects in the trees and the traffic on Archer Street. Physically speaking, I felt numb except for the heat and humidity of the August after beading down on my bald head and the back of my neck. Emotionally, it was like I was frozen in ice. It was hard to move, it has hard to speak, it was hard to tap into how I was feeling. Eventually, I was able to eek out a few words expressing how much I missed and loved her. After a few more minutes, Becky went back to the car, and left me alone at Jesika’s grave. I stood there for a couple more minutes, and as I was about to leave, I rubbed the face of Jesika’s grave marker in the same way I have done with my father’s gravestone as a way to make a tactile connection with my departed loved one. And the only words I could think of were the ones I told her everyday when I went to work,

“Aight Jesika, I love you. I’ll holla back at you soon.”

I walked back to the car, and Becky and I was off to the next phase of our afternoon, lunch. So off to Downtown Lemont we went.

August 17. 2008, about 7:30PM

Full of unlimited salad and breadsticks, Jesika and I headed north on Stony Island Avenue, to make a final stop for the celebration of her birthday, my mother’s house. We chose to pass on the tiramisu because my mother had given me strict instruction to bring Jesika to the “Smith House” immediately after dinner, because she would have a surprise for us when we arrived. Well eventually we arrived, and there my mom was, in all of her motherly splendor, with a very homemade looking cake on the counter. We sat at the table, and just as my family did when my brother and I were five years old, we broke out in a verse of “Happy Birthday To You”.

After the ceremonial song, the tradition is that everyone gets a piece of cake and while the cake is being enjoyed, the birthday boy or girl unwraps the presents. As we each enjoy a slice of the lemony confection, I signal to my mom that it is time for the moment of truth. I go into my mom’s office which is adjacent to the kitchen via a hallway and grab two gift bags; one from my mother and one from me. As I sit here, I am ashamed to say that I honestly cannot remember specifically what my mother got for Jesika’s birthday. I am fairly certain that it was a scarf or something. Needless to say, Jesika graciously accepted it and thanked my mother for her generosity. Next up was my gift, and as I handed Jesika my gift bag, I think I may have been more excited than her. As she looked in the shiny gift bag, she found a small jewelry box which contained even smaller ruby and diamond earrings. Coincidentally, these earrings matched the modest ruby and diamond ring that I had given her as a birthday gift the year before. On the gift card in the box, was a paraphrasing of a line from Beyonce’s, “Upgrade U”;

“My dynasty ain’t complete without a chick like thee…”

Now as I said before, I am not Diddy nor am I Jay-Z, and the jewelry that I gave Jesika would likely never be the stuff of an “MTV Cribs” segment. But Jesika looked as if I had bought the Hope Diamond for her. Jesika was a truly an “it’s the thought that counts” type of person, and she knew that I just wanted to make her happy. After several hugs and kisses, I came to the gleeful realization: mission accomplished.

August 17, 2009, about 1:20PM

With full hearts and empty stomachs, Becky and I made our way to Downtown Lemont, which consisted a shopping plaza complete with a façade to make it look like an early 20^th century town square. Just down the road from the “town square”, we found a small road hot dog/frozen dairy dessert stand to have lunch. Sma’s, a Lemont institution since 1952, isn’t much more than a seasonal snack shop with several picnic benches under a canopy as a dining room, but this day, it would serve as Becky and my debriefing location.

Becky opted for a brat and an order of cheese fries, while I went for two red hots with everything and a tamale. The conversation were familiar themes: Jesika, the economy, and how 2009 has been a terrible year for a lot of people in a lot of ways.

Since Jesika’s passing, and all the subsequent drama that has ensued, I have come to the realization that sadness and stress build within a person like pressure in a boiling tea kettle. As the pressure builds, one has to regularly let some of it go, or it will consume you until you explode. As Becky and I traded feelings of sorrow and anger and loss, I think it was us being sounding boards for each other and allowing each other to blow off some emotional steam.

August 17, 2009 about 9:30PM

This has been a crazy day; both heartwarming and tragic in one powerful dose. Heartwarming in that I got to recall one of my favorite days with the woman I so loved, and tragic in the stark realization that there will absolutely be no more such days with Jesika, at least not in this life. I decided to end Jesika’s birthday in 2009 much like it began in 2008. I found myself driving west on 87^th, looking to become reacquainted with some friends I haven’t seen since my childhood. Their names; Duke, Ripcord, Snake Eyes, and General Hawk. I decided to go see “GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra” as a way to end my whirlwind of a day. I imagine if things had been different, Jesika would have graciously been in the passenger seat, willing to indulge my desire to reconnect with the 9 year old boy inside of me. But things aren’t different and I am on a solo mission on this night. But I know that Jesika wouldn’t want me to mope or feel stagnated on this day without her. She would want me to “keep it moving” and try to enjoy life as much as I can, as if she were right by my side. Jesika would want all of her loved ones to truly live and not just exist. This is something I know, and knowing is half the battle.